My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
Randomize
