a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Swear to god you say cuddle bunny one more time and honest to god I will sacrifice a bunny on the hood of your car
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
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