I don't know what's more pathetic, the fact that you dated him or the fact that it took a Taylor Swift song for you to break up with him.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
Apparently I was the fucked up drunk guy greeting people at the hotel in the lobby last night.
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
MIDGETS
????
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
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