is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
two words: eviction party
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
So i guess i slapped the girl sitting next to me leg and said "You know what they say, got fat legs...you gotta fat BOX"
yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
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