uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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