I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Not hooking up w him- he has one of those L.L. Bean book bags w his initials on it
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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