You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
Say what you want about my van, but I've got more action there than in my apartment. A body pillow and a joint still go a long way!
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize
