The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
