I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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