i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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