smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
tell your sister to shave her snatch
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
