Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
I want to fling myself into the sun
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
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