Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
