LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
I want to name my colorful bowl Batman. Why? I still have yet to figure it out. But I'm calling it Batman.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Alright if I email the police department asking for my mug shot do you think they will email it to me
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
