Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I last recall trying to play piano and asking justin for drugs. I would like to think I then gracefully laid down on the couch and shut my eyes like a sleeping kitten.
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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