just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Most of the time people just stick whatever they want in my mouth. Thanks for letting me decide this time
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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