I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
