I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
I just got carded by a ten year old.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
Friendly reminder that on the walk home you tripped but instead of falling to the sidewalk, you tried to save it and ended up headbutting my ex-boyfriend in the balls. ILU.
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
It's dangerous to be this horny at work. I'm gonna stain my desk chair
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
