last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
I'm getting married
To pizza
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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