I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal
Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
Randomize
