Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
No, I'm only going to drink half my paycheck. That's the responsible thing to do.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
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