just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
Randomize
