Anddd after the worst sex of my life, he said.."do you mind taking off the condom, tying it up, and throwing it at the door?" Weird.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
