my cup is half full, half full of rum.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Were you really trying to feed me potato chips while I was sitting on the toilet?
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
I don't remember where I was but I remembered that I hated everyone there
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
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