I just had unprotected sex with a stranger. but i did him wearing nothing but my pearls. so its classy.
She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
Going out so taking the 2nd 1/2 of beer w/ me ont'tube in a Pringles tube. I give money to people on the street that have more self respect.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
Someone came in the potted fern
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Randomize
