Don't make out with my wife yet
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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