and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Found your pants in the mailbox
What were my pants doing in the mailbox?
I don't know but there's postage on them
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
