I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
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