The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
what whaaaat?! I BET YOU WIN IN THE TEETH DEPARTMENT.
Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
