So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
