Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
you didnt have any toilet paper so I just took a shower
I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I think Vodka is my favorite. Everything else ties for second.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Randomize
