I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
