Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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