I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i just threw up repeatedly on the entire entire walk down A1A to the pizza place....then on the way back slipped and fell in it
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
In the last six hours i have procured a free sandwich, watched three movies, and came to orgasm. If that isn't productivity then i don't know what is.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
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