she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
