I just made out with a guy for $7.
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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