I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
6 tequila shots, 3 kamikazes and 1 rumplemintz.. The next day I puked in my office trash can while doing payroll. I may have to dock my own pay for lack of class.
Imagine Arby's curly fries spiraled around a dick
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
And then before we had sex he was quoting space jam to me
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
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