First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
Today is get drunk without showing anyone my penis day
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
