My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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