there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
Randomize
