wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
Also I got A jello shot for $2!!! It's like the forever 21 of bars
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Oh God! I'm naked from the waist down playing records. Too drunk. I don't even know what to do.
Balls out but with a shirt on. Eating ravioli. I don't know how to deal with this.
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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