And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
