i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
Randomize