I just wish we had the ability to download food from our TVs.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
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