Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Randomize
