Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
He had one of those small greek statue penises
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
Randomize
