You just made me feel so damn special
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Randomize