Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
im getting my college education on yahoo answers.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Randomize
