im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Listen it's no longer the walk of shame to class when ur leaving the frat house and the brothers ask "when are coming back home"
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
Randomize
