is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
I've drank literally 19 beers and am still good. Utah is worthless
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
Randomize
