we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
You do resemble something that has been used as a chew toy.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
