So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
I thought she was mad at me, but then we did a pose off and I realized we're friends for life
She just used a chaser for red wine.
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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