So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I WANT BLOOD. HERS. I WILL DYE A FABULOUS PAIR OF SUEDE PUMPS RED WITH HER BLOOD.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Let me call you later. I’m lining up some office dick now that working at home is ending
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