every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
