Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
should my penis look like a turkey
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
