twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I did not marry a roomba.
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