Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm starting to notice a direct correlation between blackouts and broken bones...
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Randomize
